"Spartacus: War of the Damned" Recap: The End is Near
March 22, 2013
We all knew it would end like this. We all knew what was coming. We all knew the inevitability of how this would eventually all turn out.
And I am sooo not ready for it.
What an episode. What a show! And still two new episodes remain. I’m not sure I can take it. But, as your fearless recapper, I’ll certainly try.
Our scene opens in the swamps of Dagobah. Young Spartacus Skywalker seeks out a short, wizened old puppet for sage wisdom and advice. The withered, wise old creature has a question for you, Spartacus Skywalker:
Wizened Creature: Who your father is know you?Spartacus: Uhh, the mailman?Wizened Creature: Batiatus your father is.Spartacus: Nooooooo!!!!!!!!
Funnily, in a roundabout way, Spartacus gives Batiatus credit for having shaped and created the man and leader he has become, but I’m getting ahead of my self.
We do actually open in a swamp, a warm and squishy respite from the snowy mountains of the last episode. The rebels are fleeing from Crassus, who rides four days behind. There are Romans on their rear (sounds like a White Party I went to once,) and the main fighting force turns and exchanges blows (which also sounds like a White Party I went to once. Okay, I’ve never actually been to a White Party, or any other colored party, for that matter, but sometimes in my imagination these things happen.)
The rebels slaughter the Romans to a man—literally, there is one guy left—and Spartacus wants a few answers from him before he dispatches him to the underworld. The Roman soldier, unsurprisingly, is less than forthcoming. So Spartacus calls on his chief torturer, Dick Cheneyicus, and soon the Roman is singing louder and purer than Kristin Chenoweth on speed. Actually, Crixus puts his sword to good use and gets the Roman to talk about Crassus’ whereabouts before killing the soldier once and for all.
Crassus and his men are catching up—coming upon the slaughter, Tibby uses his heightened mutant sense of smell to determine that, from the foul stench of the corpses, they are three days behind Spartacus. What, is Tibby now the corpse whisperer? You know, he just gets creepier and creepier by the minute.
Caesar argues that Crassus is pushing the men too hard, and that they need to rest, but Crassus is still sore over Kore running away and will not listen. Senator Metellus arrives, seeking an audience, and is none-too-happy that Crassus let Spartacus get away from the ridge. Metellus tells Crassus, “Your taint is named,” and apparently he named it Dandelion O’Brien—no, wait, scratch that, he said, “You name is tainted.” Sorry, just mixing up my subject and my object there.
In response, Crassus pounds the living snot out of Metellus, and, for good measure, pounds some of the dead and dying snot out of him as well. Caesar looks to intervene and Tibby stops him. Caesar does eventually prevent Crassus from beating Metellus to death, but dang skippy! Without his beloved slave (there’s an oxymoron for you,) Crassus clearly has no release valve for his anger issues. Hey, sexy pater—try yoga. Try Xanax. Try Chardonnay (it does wonders for my mother). All this rage is a little unsexy.
The rebels are not faring much better. Their supplies are running low (again!) and Crixus is grousing about not being bathed in Roman blood up to his armpits and using Roman entrails to make more braids for Naevia’s pretty hair, blah blah blah. Seriously, the guy has a major woody for violence at this point, and Spartacus will not be able to hold him back for long.
The rebels make camp, and Nasir and Agron share a smiley moment, one that is disrupted when Castusarrives with some extra wood—extra firewood, that is, meant to be a peace offering. Agron spies Laetahaving trouble popping a tent, and Agron, being an expert at popping a tent, goes off to her aid, but tells Castus he still has his eye on him. Castus, still in full flirt mode, tells Nasir that he knows that Nasir has hiseyes on Castus as well. Oh, you roguishly handsome pirate. You never quit making us blush!
Laeta expresses gratitude for Agron’s help in popping a tent (okay, okay, metaphor now officially dead,) and Agron says that he does so because, “Spartacus carries affection toward you…[and] Spartacus deserves some small measure of happiness” in this life — at least in the remaining three episodes left. Wow! That’s pretty direct of Agron. Laeta looks thoughtful but just then Kore interrupts, needing help.
There is a happy event in the slave camp: a baby is born. Kore delivers the baby with Laeta’s help, while Spartacus stands by, calming the mother. Kore is shown to be proficient in delivering children, and she says that she did so many times in her former dominus’ home. Laeta then asks, “Did I know your dominus?”
Was it me, or was that just an incredibly tacky question to ask? It’s like running into Kore at a party and saying, “Your face is so familiar…didn’t you once hold the chamberpot while I dropped fudge logs at your former owner’s house?” I have to imagine asking a runaway slave about their former owner is a seriousDear Abby no-no. (Or, I suppose, we could just “Ask JT” about it. Hey! Way to afterelton/backlot.com cross-promote!) Kore hesitates, making up some story about an owner named Pompo, but Spartacus sees the mark of Crassus and is immediately suspicious. He believes she is a spy, but she swears that she has left because of the ill treatment she received at the hands of her dominus’ son. Spartacus is apprehensive, but Laeta speaks up for Kore, and Spartacus eventually leaves Kore under her care, safe for now.
Tibby is eating with his aides when Caesar storms in. Tibby is not happy to see him, but Caesar ignores him and says he is worried about Crassus. Caesar frets that Crassus is out of control and urges Tibby to talk reason to him. Tibby rounds on Caesar, suggesting that he is trying to cover his own (muscular and perfect) derriere over the whole Kore fiasco. Caesar eyes Tibby and says, “What did you do to her, boy?” and, when Tibby does not respond, he says, “Did you force that tiny tallywhacker inside her?” Actually, Caesar doesn’t use the word “tallywhacker,” but anytime I can get a shout-out to the seminal 1980s flickPorky’s, I am happy to do so (besides, I’m pretty sure Meat made me gay, so I owe the flick a solid!) Caesar threatens Tibby: either talk sense to Daddy, or he’ll figure out what really happened between him and Kore and tell Papa everything.
Crixus sees the newborn babe and does as he always does when shown anything cute, happy, or carefree: he scowls (I swear, even a koala bear could make Crixus foam into an uncontrollable rage.) Naevia smiles, though, saying the child is born free to this world, and that is a marvelous thing. Crixus softens, and the two share a beautiful scene, where Crixus talks to Naevia about a future he can never provide her: one with a home, three squares a day, and perhaps a child of her own. Naevia says to Crixus to never mind that. He was the one that saved her from the mines, he was the one who pulled her out of her depression, he was the one who made her strong. She says, “I choose to walk by your side, in this life, and the one that follows…” It’s a beautiful scene made even all the more poignant by the fact that, when Crixus is summoned to Spartacus, Naevia looks back at the mother and child with a wistful tear in her eye.
Elsewhere, Gannicus and Lugo have scouted ahead and come across a series of largely unprotected villas—or, as the rebels call them, Easius Pickingus. Spartacus lays out his his plan: to cross the Alps (with or without elephants?) and emerge into the broad territory north of Rome. There, he reasons, the slaves can scatter, and Crassus could never round them all up, ensuring that some will remain forever free. Crixus disagrees. He argues that west of their position is Rome itself, guarded only by one legion, headed by some doofus named Arrias. Spartacus shakes his head. Will it never end? he wonders. He tells Crixus that the Romans will never let them go if they don’t flee. Crixus replies, “You opened my eyes to this,” and Spartacus eventually agrees that he will not stand in Crixus’ way. The two make a decision: to forge their own paths in this journey.
Before departing, though, the rebels attack the villas in the valley and then indulge in feasting and an orgy (I scanned as best as I could in the background, but could not find any man-on-man action. Of course, I was also taking notes on the action I did find, so I might have missed it.) Gannicus and Sibyl drink and giggle, and he kisses her openly. Oh, and then he decides maybe he should break up with Saxa first. Total douchebag move, Gannicus! Saxa appears nonchalant about the whole thing, telling Gannicus that he’ll come crawling back before she goes hot tubbing with another bodacious beauty. I suspect she minds a bit more than she lets on, but no way is Saxa showing any of that to Gannicus.
Nasir brings his love muffin a drink, and Agron, looking disconsolate, confesses to Nasir that he is not staying with Spartacus, but going with Crixus. Nasir takes this news without flinching, and says, Okay, then we leave with Crixus in the morning…but Agron says no. Agron wants Nasir to stay with Spartacus. And yes, every collective heart watching the show now begins to crack (at least any watching who have a heart). Nasir, holding back tears, says, “My place is forever with you,” but Agron does not want Nasir to undertake such a dangerous journey. Nasir replies, “Do not ask me to turn from you,” and Agron says, “I ask only that you live.” They hug, and kiss, and yes, they go their separate ways.
Oh man. Oh Spartacus, why you got to play me like this? But it is a beautiful scene, incredibly poignant, and amazingly acted (I do have one quibble, though: how about one more go around of man-on-man humping before they part? Just for old times’ sake?)
Elsewhere, Spartacus and Crixus talk, finally, as brothers. They have made peace with each other, and feel their bond has deepened as a result. Now, go on you two, kiss and make up. Go ahead, kiss. We’ll wait.
Meanwhile, Tibby does go to talk to Crassus, though not to placate Caesar, but more to cover his own pert bottom. He mentions Kore and Crassus snaps at him not to bring up her name ever again. Crassus is clearly heartbroken: “Why would she risk all to fly from loving arms?” he asks. Tibby just shrugs and tries to throw the blame on Caesar. Oh, you dastardly bastard, Tibby…
Agron tells Spartacus that he will not be accompanying him to the Alps. Seeking comfort, Spartacus turns to Laeta. The two spar romantically, and I would have a flashback to Moonlighting, if I had ever seen the show in the first place:
Spartacus: Your wounds must be all but healed. You return to difficult woman of old.
Laeta: One cannot turn from truest nature.
Spartacus seems to find that last bit of advice particularly wise, but before he can ponder it further, Laeta is all over him like the fat Elvis on a fried peanut-butter-and-banana sandwich. Spartacus says something about not being able to give up his heart, and Laeta replies, “It is not your heart I am after this night.” Oh, snap! The two then make some very gyrotastic love-making. Good for them. Now why couldn’t we see Agron and Nasir do the same?
The next day Crixus asks Gannicus to accompany him, but he demurs, and Crixus, looking to Sibyl, seems to understand why. I want to barf. Crixus says to Gannicus, “I will always hold you as my brother,” but frankly, I haven’t see any “brother-on-brother” holding, if you know what I mean, and it’s making me a little cranky.
Crassus, meanwhile, has devised what the rebels are up to. Those generally unable or unwilling to fight head for safety, lead by Spartacus and protected by a small force; the bulk of the army, lead by Crixus, heads for Rome. Caesar is nervous; Rome is practically undefended! But Crassus really wants to get Spartacus now. He seems to be perfectly content to let Rome fend for itself. Not cool.
We then move to a scene I can best describe as “oh-my-God-I-can’t-believe-I-just-saw-what-I-saw-but-i-am-pretty-sure-i-did-see-it-so-O-M-F-G.” Before I describe the next scene, I’d like to tell you how my hubby experienced it, listening to my reactions from the other room:
“Holy crap.”
“Ho-lee crap.”
“No way. No way. HOLY CRAP!”
“HOLY BY JUPITER’S C**K CRAP!”
Upon hearing this, my hubby paused, listened, and then, as I heard him mutter, “Oh. Spartacus.”
So here’s what brought out the “holy crap” in me. Caesar goes to Tibby. By now he knows exactly what Tibby did, because a “working woman” saw him exiting Kore’s tent and saw a battered Kore immediately afterward. Caesar will keep his secret, if Tibby convinces the old man to turn to Rome. Tibby knows he is busted, but instead of giving in, he smashes Caesar across the face with his wine jug. Stunning the man, Tibby has his men grab Caesar and then he proceeds to demonstrate in person exactly what he did to Kore. I said it before, I’ll say it again: “HO-LEE CRAP” I did not see that one coming, and judging from his position, neither could Caesar. As he is doing the deed, Tibby spits at Caesar, “Speak what you know to anyone and I shall spread tale of the mighty Caesar taken like a woman!”
Ho.
Ly.
Crap.
We turn to images of war, as we get an awesome 1980s-inspired movie montage of Crixus, Naevia, Agron, and others at war with Romans while carving a path toward Rome (I’m pretty sure that was “Eye of the Tiger” playing in the background. Right?) Before the gates of the city, only Arrias and his legion stand between the rebels and Rome itself. Crixus gives a mighty speech, though his war cry—“Shall we begin?”—isn’t exactly “Once more unto the breach, old friends!” But it gets the job done. The rebels send flaming balls of fire into the Roman army to disrupt them (big deal, my hubby can do that every time he eats Mexican food,) and, after a short battle, Crixus and company prove victorious. It was easy.
Perhaps too easy.
After a quick shot of Spartacus making his way north, we cut back to Crixus parleying with Arrias, though it turns out Arrias has very little to say (mainly because Crixus shoves a sword in his mouth.) The rebels celebrate—but all too soon. Crassus and his ranks arrive, and it is clear the rebels are vastly outnumbered.
Before attacking, Crassus notices Caesar’s bruises, and asks, “Reason you are not astride horse?” Caesar sulks, and Tibby provides an answer, telling his father that it was his idea (no duh!) so that Caesar can lead his men to battle on foot. Oh, Tibby. Your uppance will cometh soon, and I suspect it will cometh hard when it cometh.
The two sides clash, and Crassus is pulled from his horse. Still, the rebels are outnumbered vastly, and Crixus tells them to fall back and reform. Agron spies Caesar and wants some revenge for deceiving the rebels, but Tibby slashes at him from behind, and Agron falls. No! Crixus and Caesar fight. Naevia tries to help her man but Caesar tosses her aside. Crixus and Caesar battle again, and Crixus seems to get the better of him when Tibby runs Crixus through with a spear. Naevia screams (frankly, so did I.) Crassus comes to Crixus and sneers and gloats before giving Tibby the signal. We watch—literally reflected in Naevia’s eye—as Tibby decapitates Crixus.
End scene.
Oh, man. I think we all know television shows enough to know that until death is confirmed, we can never count our chicken nuggets until they are hatched. But Crixus is gone. Agron is down. Naevia is in big trouble. The army is decimated. Time is not on the rebels’ side. Only two episodes remaining? I’m not sure I can take two more episodes of this!
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